sometimes my relationship with food is just regular and i eat what i want and live in my body peacefully.
most of the time i am really not regular with food at all.
sometimes that means i use hunger as a punishment
sometimes that means i’m feverishly counting calories and logging exercise and food into like 4 different apps because i’m obsessed.
sometimes i am so anxious that i just devour cookies upon cookies upon brownies and ice cream.
i forget a lot that some people (most?) have regular, uncomplicated feelings about food.
i swing from extremes but i was probably actually at my happiest with food when i worked at the eating disorder clinic and taught them about body/fat/whatever acceptance and made a whole program about it and all these brochures and filled so much of my time with talking to people about it or working on stuff for my project.
immediately upon leaving though I joined a gym, counted calories, and tried my hardest to fall asleep hungry whenever i could manage it.
I’ve lost a fair amount of weight. probably 80% of it was lost though exercise, but weirdly, sometimes I wish I had lost it all by punishing myself by withholding food.. why?
i did that so many times, for a while a very long time ago i was as teeny as to be a 00. that’s TINYYYYYY.
i still struggle a lot with food. i struggle a lot with my body. i want to be happy and healthy but a large part of me also wants to be just so so so so so thin.