Seriously, I don’t get how people still think they can use the argument about it being “for the sanctity of marriage” for being against gay marriage. You’re just anti-gay, you’re not TRULY just upset about the sanctity of marriage in this country.
What he said. Read. NOW!
I’m dying laughing. This is one of the best company emails I’ve ever read.
(Full post at TechCrunch)
Date: Weds, 30 June 2010
From: Matt Rutledge (CEO – Woot.com)
To: All Woot Employees
Subject: Woot and Amazon
I know I say this every time I find a picture of an adorable kitten, but please set aside 20 minutes to carefully read this entire email. Today is a big day in Woot history. This morning, I woke up to find Jeff Bezos the Mighty had seized our magic sword. Using the Arthurian model as a corporate structure was something our CFO had warned against from the very beginning, but now that’s water under the bridge. What is important is that our company is on the verge of becoming a part of the Amazon.com dynasty. And our plans for Grail.Woot are on indefinite hold.
Over the next few days, you will probably read headlines that say “Matt Rutledge revealed to be monstrous pseudo-human creation of Jeff Bezos.” You might even see this photo making the rounds. Rest assured that these rumors have nothing to do with our final decision. We think now is the right time to join with Amazon because, quite simply, every company that becomes a subsidiary gets two free downloads until the end of July, and we very much need that new thing with Trent Reznor’s wife on our iPods.
Other than that, we plan to continue to run Woot the way we have always run Woot – with a wall of ideas and a dartboard. From a practical point of view, it will be as if we are simply adding one person to the organizational hierarchy, except that one person will just happen to be a billion-dollar company that could buy and sell each and every one of you like you were office furniture. Nevertheless, don’t worry that our culture will suddenly take a leap forward and become cutting-edge. We’re still going to be the same old bottom-feeders our customers and readers have come to know and love, and each and every one of their pre-written insult macros will still be just as valid in a week, two weeks, or even next year. For Woot, our vision remains the same: somehow earning a living on snarky commentary and junk.
We are excited about doing this for all sorts of reasons. One, our business model is so vague that there’s no way Amazon can possibly change what it is we’re truly doing: preparing the way for the rise of the Lava Men in 2012. Also, our deal means that Jason Toon will finally be released from that Mexican jail owned by Zappos honcho Tony Hsieh. No, don’t lie, Tony, we’ve seen the paperwork. And we need a powerful ally in case Steve Jobs finally breaks down and comes after us for all our Apple jokes over the years. Don’t think of it as a buyout; think of it as NATO!
I will go through each of the above points in more detail later, but first, let me get to the top 5 burning questions that I’m guessing many of you will have.
TOP 5 BURNING QUESTIONS:
Q: Is Snapster leaving?
A: Are you kidding? He’s out the door about ten seconds after that check clea- that is to say, Snapster will continue as Woot.com CEO, just like before, and the rest of our staff’s not going anywhere either. Woot and all our various sites will continue to be an independently operated company full of horrible, useless products and an untalented jerkface writing staff, same as it ever was.
Q: Will the Woot culture change?
A: Amazon is interested in us because they recognize the value of our people, our brand, and our unique style of deep-tissue, toxin-releasing massage. And they don’t want to start changing things now. Amazon’s hoping our nutty Woot steez continues to grow and develop (and perhaps even rubs off on them a little). They’re not looking to have their folks come in and run Woot unless we ask them to, which incidentally you can do by turning off the bathroom lights and saying the word “Kindle” three times; a helpful Amazon employee will appear in the mirror. That said, Amazon clearly knows what they’re doing in a lot of areas, so we’re geeked about the opportunities to tap into that knowledge and those resources, especially on the technology side. This is about making the Woot brand, culture, and business even stronger than it is today, and we expect that any changes will be for the better or we wouldn’t bother with this endless paperwork.
Q: Where can I get one of those vuvuzelas?
A: Are you even paying attention?
Several months ago, when we were all sitting on Jeff Bezos’s bumper drinking orange Mad Dog and trying not to be noticed, we heard a voice in the distance yelling “You kids better not scratch my Mercedes or I’m calling the cops!” We ran. It was later that night when Amazon came by the house and said they liked our style and also wanted to get that money we owed them for messing up the chrome. We like to think that our relationship with Amazon will continue at this level for many, many, many years to come.
But we here at Woot are still a thoughtful company, so, at the end of the day, I watched the sunset, and its golden-hued glory made me think about two questions:
1) Is there really a universal deity?
2) Does such a thing preclude free will or are we humans in control of our own destiny?
After spending a lot of time falling asleep at the library while facing the philosophy books, I determined that the concept of destiny is a construct that allows man a gentle release from facing the terror of his existence, and that a Hyundai full of twenties would pretty much offer the same benefits. And so, I ultimately said YES!
This is definitely an emotional day for me. The feelings I’m experiencing are similar to what I felt in college on graduation day: excitement about getting a check from my folks combined with nausea from a hellacious bender the night before. I remember fondly that time when an RA turned on the lights and yelled “WHO OWNS THESE PANTS?” Except this time, the pants are a company, and the RA is you, and the sixty five hours of community service is a deal that will ensure the Woot.com experience can continue to grow for years and years and years, like a black mold behind the Gold Box. Join us, because together, we can rule the galaxy as father and son. Also, there will be six muffins waiting in the company break room, courtesy of the nice folks at Amazon.com. Welcome to the family!
this is hilarious.
so last night was kind of ridiculous.
on every occasion i managed to get ditched.
we went to a show that my friends were playing at and it was good, but i haven’t been to a punk show since i was like 17, and was a punk and now i’m really really not a punk and i never really realized how not punk i was until i was in a room full of them and realized how much i don’t fit in.
so anyway, i came home, as i already posted, my fucking apartment was trashed, and decided that to make up for no longer being punk, i would break out my old totally tattered ramones t shirt from when i was in 6th grade. (yes it still fits me, no i haven’t grown since 6th grade) i’d take a picture of it,but it honestly hardly even counts as a shirt anymore.
the holes in it are that intense. i had a pet rat for a while, and i guess once i threw my ramones shirt too close to the cage and she pulled it into the cage and used it as a bed and bit all sorts of holes into it and it’s also like 7 years old and i wore it like all the time and you can barely even tell what’s on it.
oh also-woke up this morning to find a bag of chips that i hadn’t opened, were opened and eaten and gone.
So, future grooms asking the father for the daughters “hand” in marriage.
Do we still need this? Is it just culture? Do you think it will ever end?
i think this is outrageous and insane. i could never date anybody who would even consider asking my dad.
anybody else have any thoughts?
Any action would be limited to 30-day increments and the President must use the “least disruptive means feasible” to respond to the threats. Action extended beyond 120 days would need Congressional approval.
The bill would not give the President the authority to take over the entire internet, target specific websites or conduct electronic surveillance.
“Only specific systems or assets whose disruption would cause a national or regional catastrophe would be subject to the bill’s mandatory security requirements,” the senators wrote.
Uh oh. I have a really bad feeling about this.
this is ridiculous and i hate it. the president needs to gtfo the interwebs.
I think the word we need to remove from our everyday vernacular is the word “raped.” I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It’s like, “Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!”
I’m pretty sure if I talked to a woman who’s been through that horrific situation and I said, “What was it like you know being raped?” She’s not gonna look at me and go ,”Have you ever played Halo?”” —
am i really agreeing with dane cook about something?
i hate dane cook, but i guess i like one thing that’s ever come out of his mouth…
hell yeah! when? i have work in boston from 3-8, but i will be back in cambridge around 9. i’ll private twitter msg you my digits.
so after having my ass handed to me over smoking a splif in my room last night, i came home from a show tonight to find my entire apartment trashed, empties all over the place, and my kitchen table directly in front of my door.
it’s on guys. you obviously did not choose your first move wisely.
i know you will clean it up tomorrow, but why don’t i smoke pot in the living room and be like, oh sorry it smells, but i’ll totally open the window and spray fabreeze in the morning.
— Francis Young (via brave-slut)
i want to print this out in like 100 point font and poster it in my kitchen for my roommate.
so, last night i got chewed the fuck out by my roommate for smoking a splif in my room.
she got SOOOO upset about it and i am super proud because i kept my cool and used her upset against her.
i maintained logic and didn’t let her get to me.
she told me when we moved in that i was never under any circumstances to smoke in the apartment. this was never something i said yes to, i didn’t agree to that, i just didn’t actively try to piss anyone off so, for 10 months i have done as i was asked and i have smoked outside.
i explained to her that she’s gotten her way for 10 months, i’ve explained to her that i have never once asked her to do anything, i have never given her any rules, i’ve never asked her loud ass friends to shut up at 2 in the morning when i can’t sleep and have to get up early the next day.
she has a thousand rules for me. she has a thousand rules for everyone.
so i told her flat out that i’m just not going to be her bitch anymore.
i told her that i have eaten my feelings on numerous accounts, i have had my feelings hurt more just living here than i think i did in all of high school. i have eaten my feelings every time i have come home to find more of my stuff that was in our shared space placed in my room, i have kept my mouth shut when i have had my one shelf in the pantry taken over. i have walked away from her slamming a door in my face and calling me a bitch, i didn’t call her a name, i didn’t yell at her, i went in my room, called my mom, and i sat there and cried for an hour, and then i let it go.
i told her all of these things, and told her that i was trying to compromise with her and tell her that sometimes i would go outside but sometimes i would smoke in my own room.
i told her that i respect her wishes, but that she has gotten her way in totality for 10 months and that for my last 2 months living here, i planned to live the way that i choose.
i told her that i am an adult and that i reserve the right to make my own choices and that i have respected hers, and that i would expect that she would respect mine.
she was livid and got bright red and in the end i won.
nobody really gets why this is such a proud moment for me, but i finally stood up to the evil that i live with and i won.
i usually end up letting my emotions get the best of my logic and i cry and lose, but this time i won, probably because i was stoned out of my mind.
thanks again pot, you really do make life better. <3
i still hate her though, and i still plan on doing something to fuck with the apartment when i leave. thinking about leaving some fish somewhere or just taking something.
anyone have any awesome ideas for pretty silently getting revenge? i don’t care if they realize i did it, i don’t want to do anything gross like use her toothbrush to brush the toilet or anything like that.
i’ve already used her (meat free 100%) pots and pans to cook meat. (first silent revenge).
i have to do something, i am after all my mother’s daughter, and she has always taught me to play nice, but get some fun revenge when someone is an ass, because even if they don’t know you did it, you still know, and it makes you feel better.
if you have any good suggestions you can tell me at www.getmeaway.tumblr.com/ask
[Redacted:] OMG… this is rediculous… OBAMA needs to just resign already… July 1, 2010 the 10% federal UV tanning tax goes into effect. SUCH BS! with underlying racist tones.. reverse racism perhaps?
Yes, Redacted. Obama isn’t trying to fund government programs by taxing an incredibly unhealthy habit that has no discernible benefit and can cause skin cancer and, ultimately, death. What he’s really trying to do is keep the white man down. You know, by keeping him white.